November 26, 2010

Blog Challenge - Day 26 - My Fears

My biggest fear is something happening to my children or my husband.  I don't know what I would do.  I don't know how I would function.  I have so many dreams for our family and I want hope to see all of those happen.  They're my life, my heart, my reason for so many things.

Another thing I fear only happens when it snows.  Funny, since I grew up in the mountains of Colorado.  I hate driving in the snow, I don't like sliding around in it.  I have a fear of getting in a horrible car accident or driving off the side of the mountain.  I don't know why, it's irrational.   

I don't have to deal with that so much here, but here, it's a little different.  When it snows here, it's wet and sometimes it rains after it snows.  It freezes.  The roads turn into huge sheets of ice.  It doesn't snow often here, so there aren't the resources for clean-up like there would snow is a regular thing.  And since snow isn't regular here, most people don't drive well in it.  So, while I have confidence in my ability to drive in the snow, my confidence in the drivers here, wavers.  I've seen it with my own eyes, these people panic here.  They slam on their brakes.  It's safer to stay home.

I also have a fear of being sick, this is more of a recent fear.  I was sick throughout most of my pregnancy with Jack.  I was depressed and I was constantly worried about him.  I always felt so tired.  There was nothing I could do.  I had no control.  I was not myself.  I felt that I had failed my girls because I really just did what I needed to get through the day.  A lot of pressure was put on Jonas, he took on so much during that time.  He was my hero. 

Bringing a new baby into the family is supposed to be joyous.  It was, please don't get me wrong.  But I was plagued with fear and it built with each doctor appointment as we neared my due date.  That worry and anxiety put a strain on so many things.  Things weren't easy, I always tried to put on a happy face.  The day Jack was born was joyous, because he was okay.  We were finally sure that we was okay.  And now, I'm thankful for that, but I also am learning to cope with what I went through at that time.  And heal.

That's where my fear of being sick developed.  Sick is a broad term to use.  I fear becoming so ill that I wouldn't be able to be the best mother and wife possible.  Sick enough to not be there for my family.  I fear that because I know.  It scares me.  I pray though and I have faith.  And now, I'm done because I don't know how else to end this post.


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